This Masterpiece Will Tear Us Apart
by ThatMTrenchFicWriter
Summary: Josh Ramsay's drug habits pushed him away from the love of his life. Can they get back to the way they used to be?  Post Fix Me, Pre Masterpiece Theatre


"_Josh, you'll never love me as much as you love that drug! I can't take this anymore! It's over, get away from me!"_

I sat straight up in bed, my eyes flying open. It took me a second to realize it was another nightmare. I hated this. Ever since I'd heard that fucking song on the radio, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I rubbed my eyes, picked up my glasses, and checked my phone for the time. It was almost 6am, lovely. I hadn't even gotten to sleep until almost 4. Insomnia is an asshole, but such is life. I decided to just wake up now. I had to be up in an hour anyway. I had to be to work, which would hopefully distract me from thinking of him.

_Him_. Josh. I missed him so much sometimes that it felt like a physical pain in my chest. It wasn't even just him, either. It was Matt, too. I missed the days we spent together, laughing our asses off and having the time of our lives. Those days were the best and worst of my life. I missed them.

I tried to go into zombie mode as I crawled out of bed, pushing my tuxedo cat, Rig, out of my way. My feet found the cold, wood floor and I shivered. I turned on the radio and just about screamed.

"_I can take it if you need to take this out on someone."_

I decided to just throw my radio against the wall, which may not have been the best plan. The song kept playing, and I let it. I couldn't deny that the band was good and the song was awesome. No matter how much Josh and I hated each other now, we had been in love at one point and he was an amazing musician.

I turned off the radio once the song ended and got ready for my day. Grabbed my ripped black skinnies, favorite tank top, and softest hoodie. Showered. Peed. Ate. I didn't realize my phone had been beeping every 2 minutes since I'd woken up until I shoved it in my pocket, grabbing my car keys as I left the apartment. I flipped it open sideways and saw I had a text, a missed call, and a voicemail. I checked the text first, which was a good thing. It was from Kara, a girl I worked with.

"I know you probably have plans tonight, but can you close for me? I had a rough night."

This bitch's version of a rough night was my idea of a good time, but I let it go. As if I had plans. The thought of going out at all was laughable for me, I was such a reject. This meant opening and closing today, but I didn't mind. I love my job. The owner of the small record shop I worked at was a close friend of mine, so I usually got to choose my hours. I worked long hours for a reason. Being alone let me think… And thinking was never a good thing for me.

I got into my car and turned it on, letting it warm up a little while I checked the missed call and voicemail. The missed call came up as from Restricted, which surprised me. I checked the voicemail next, and when I heard the voice on the line my jaw dropped. Good thing I was still parked, because I definitely would have crashed my car had I been moving.

"Hey, Elyssa… It's Josh. I was hoping this was still your number, so I guess I got lucky in that way. Look, I know I'm the last person you want to hear from. I'm still sorry every day for what I did to you. I just didn't… know… I don't know. I know it's been years, but I miss everything about you every day. You probably aren't even listening anymore. Fuck. Well. Yeah. Bye."

I dropped my phone into my lap, my hands shaking uncontrollably. It's been 4 years. What the fuck? He hadn't even left me a number, and had blocked his. I could understand blocking the number, because I honestly wouldn't have answered if I'd seen his number come up. My hands continued to shake as I drove to work, about 10 minutes from my apartment. As I drove around back and parked, I noticed a note on the door.

"Sorry, but I'm really sick. There are a few boxes of new stuff in the back. You guys are gonna have to manage without me. Elyssa has the keys and knows what to do, go to her with questions."

This was undoubtedly from the store owner, Monica. This meant I would be working all day alone, unless by some miracle Chris could come in and help me. I dug out my phone and called him as I unlocked the door, stepping into the warm back room. When he answered, I started apologizing right away. "Hey, Chris, I'm really sorry about this. But everyone else is sick and we got a new shipment. I can't work all day alone. Do you think you could come in for a little while?" I asked, hoping he could. I really didn't mind being alone, but the boxes could get heavy and he was a lot stronger than I was.

"I guess. When do you want me?" He responded, sounding really tired. I figured I had woken him up.

"When can you get here?" I asked, shuffling around and turning on all of the lights. I still had about an hour until opening, but I didn't want to stock shelves in the dark.

"Give me 20 minutes," He said, hanging up. I clocked in with my phone still stuck to my shoulder. I shoved my phone back into the pocket of my skinnies and picked up a box of CDs, walking them out into the store. I'd end up procrastinating just so that Chris had more work to do. I opened the first box, and my jaw dropped.

_Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. _The black and red cover of Fix Me was facing me out of the box. I picked up a copy and turned it over a few times in my hand, as if to make sure it really existed. I was still checking out the track list on the back when a noise from behind me made me almost drop it.

"Hey, Elyssa. What're you doing?" Chris's voice sounded from the back of the store. I heard him drop his jacket and punch in.

"Come look at this. Did you know about this?" I asked, my voice coming out surprisingly small.

"Yeah, I knew. I just didn't exactly think you'd want to know the details of your ex-boyfriend's life. Do you want me to stock this? I'm sure there's something else you can do," Chris said, putting an arm around me. We'd been friends since Grade 9, he knew me well enough to know I couldn't do this.

"I guess," I said, patting his hand and shrugging away. I walked to the back room to get another box. I made sure the contents wouldn't make me think of Josh Ramsay at all.

The rest of my day was uneventful. I sold a few copies of Fix Me, but I made sure I didn't react. When Chris left right after closing time, I took my time turning off all of the lights and locking the doors. As I went to shut down the register, I saw the shelf that contained the new CD.

_What the Hell are you doing to yourself?_ I thought, picking up a copy and ringing myself up. I threw the CD into my purse as I shut the door behind me, pulling out a cigarette and digging for my lighter. I needed to go for a walk. I headed to a park nearby, sitting on a bench and letting the flashbacks overwhelm me as I lit my cigarette.

_It was oddly warm for the middle of March, at around 25C. I'd been hanging around the new kid in school a lot, a quiet guy in Grade 10, same as me. He'd moved into the house next door to mine, and we both walked home. Our walks were usually spent in relative silence, both of us listening to our own music. Today, however, we finally decided to talk._

"_So, Josh. Tell me about you," I said, breaking the silence as we traipsed past the school, both of us had Band for our last class of the day. I was only in Band seasonally, because they needed a bassist for big performances. Josh, as it turned out, played just about everything I wished I could. And he was in choir. This guy was awesome._

"_I got kicked out of my last school a week before we moved, I play a lot of instruments, I write music, and I'm partial to girls who dye their hair weird colors," He said, smirking a little and tugging on a piece of my silvery hair. I'd dyed it the night before, solid black with one silvery streak. "What's your story?"_

"_I've never moved, I don't have any friends besides this weird kid with blue hair who walks me home, and I play 3 instruments," I said, slapping his hand away playfully. I took note of a silver stud in his tongue as he spoke. "So why'd you get kicked out?"_

_He smiled as he answered. "Well, my old school didn't let us have piercings other than ears for girls, and nothing for guys. So as soon as I found out I was moving…" He trailed off and stuck his tongue out at me. I laughed._

"_Get that for your special lady friend?" I asked, trying to find out discretely if he was single._

"_No special lady friends for me, yet. What about you?"_

"_I don't swing that way, but I don't have a special male friend, either," I said, laughing a little. I liked talking to Josh; we had a similar sense of humor. _

_After that first day of standing outside of my house, talking until the sun went down, we talked all the time. If we weren't in school, we were hanging out. Playing music, writing it, just talking, whatever we wanted to do. I introduced him to all of my friends and he fit right in. I was thrilled._

_A few months later, in mid-summer, we were walking to the park together. Yeah, we were 16. But we still went to this old park by our houses when we got bored. There was really nothing to do when you were as broke as we were besides sitting out in the grassy, unused baseball field. It never ceased to amaze me that we always had something to talk about._

_On this particular day, I was melting in my jeans and black tank top. Josh was no better in his ripped black skinny jeans and AC/DC shirt. I was watching him pluck the grass he was sitting near, his lanky form looking awkward in the cross-legged position he was in. I loved watching Josh talk. He was always so into it. His long fingered hands were constantly gesturing or doing something while his grey-blue eyes would stay on the face of whoever he was talking to. Eventually, he realized I wasn't listening when I scooted next to him and lay on the grass. He followed suit, but his head was above mine. He was tall, making even my slightly tall stature appear short._

"_What're you thinking about?" He asked, turning his face towards me. A few strands of black and blue hair fell in front of his eyes, which were studying me._

"_I don't know. Just… stuff," I said, turning my face to look at him. We lay like that for a while, silent and watching each other. With anyone else, it might have been weird, but not with Josh._

"_Elyssa, if I tell you something, do you swear not to freak out or let it change the way things are right now?" He suddenly asked, sitting up. I sat up beside him, our shoulders touching._

"_Sure. What's up?" I shook my bangs out of my eyes, pulling my knees up to my chest as I did so. I wrapped my arms around my legs and watched the sun as it sank into the sky, turning the sky a blood red. I felt Josh's calloused hand grab one of mine, intertwining our fingers._

"_So the thing is, I've never really done this before. But I really like you. Like… not in a strictly friends way like you. And I want to make sure I'm not totally wasting my time before I really fall head over heels for you. You're just… amazing. You're funny and smart and musical. You're pretty much the best friend I've ever had. Just tell me, will you ever feel the same way?" His eyes met mine and he squeezed my fingers. I felt a blush rushing to my pale, slightly sunburned cheeks._

"_You're definitely not wasting your time."_

I noticed my cigarette was gone. I blew the last of the smoke out, dropping the butt and stomping on it. I started walking home, feeling a little numb. I was at least halfway there when I realized I'd left my car at the shop.

"Fuck!" I yelled, turning around and stomping my Converse-clad feet. The whole way back to my car I was fuming. I was so mad at myself. First for buying the CD, then for letting Josh get into my head again, and for forgetting my car. What was wrong with me? I'd told myself 3 years ago that I wasn't going to let Josh affect me in any way ever again. But could I really do it?

I pondered all of this as I got into my car. My phone blurted out its obnoxious ringtone as I started the car. The caller ID showed "Restricted". Oh God. Did I really want to answer this? I decided to. I mean what the hell? He was already affecting my life today, who am I to prevent him from ruining it a little more? I hit the answer button and pressed the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" I spoke quietly into the phone; afraid of my reaction to the voice I was sure would be at the other end.

"Elyssa?" My eyes filled with tears at the sound of that voice. No, it wasn't Josh. It was Matt.

"Matt?" I asked, my voice cracking as tears threatened to spill. A million memories flooded my mind. Matt and I had been close friends since Grade 9, when we first met in Band.

"It's really you. Wow. I got your number from someone and I just… I miss you, Lyss," I heard the sadness in his voice. Matt and I had never stopped being friends, really. When I took off and stopped talking to everyone the summer after our last year of high school, I was sad to have to let go of Matt. However, everything reminded me of Josh and what he put me through, and I couldn't handle that. Even the way he called me Lyss stirred up memories. I was really choked now.

"It's really me. Hi," I said, my voice just above a whisper. "How've you been?"

"Great. I, um, I'm actually back home for a few weeks. I was trying to look you up, but I couldn't find anything. I mean if you don't want me to find you I'll totally understand, but I want you to know I really, really missed the sound of your voice," He sounded so hurt. All of that hurt was my fault. What had I done to this poor guy?

"Remember the apartment building 5 streets over from my old house? I live there now. I was actually just on my way home if you want to meet in the parking lot there," Every part of me was screaming that this was nothing but a bad idea, but I couldn't help it. This was Matt. Not Josh, just Matt.

"Yeah, I think I can find my way," The smile on his face was made obvious through his voice. I hung up and drove home quickly, speeding the whole way. I was suddenly very aware of my appearance.

I hadn't changed much since high school. Same dyed black hair with a streak bleached out and dyed silver. I still wore mainly skinny jeans and hoodies, no matter the weather. Of course, I'd never stopped wearing Converse. I had so many different pairs, it was ridiculous. I messed with my hair a little, making sure my messy cut fell in a somewhat decent fashion. I parked and turned off my car, taking a few deep breaths. When I got out of the car, I turned to face the mostly empty lot. I stood there for less than a minute before the ugliest vehicle I have ever laid eyes on pulled up beside me and parked.

My whole body was shaking as I heard the door open. I kept my eyes on my feet, knowing damn well as soon as I saw his face I would cry off half of my heavily done eyeliner. When I heard footsteps in front of me, I looked up. Matt.

God, I'd missed him with every fiber of my being. A sob broke out of my throat as he ran the last few steps to me, pulling me tightly into his arms. My face was just below his shoulder on his chest, and my glasses were probably stabbing him, but he didn't seem to care. I wrapped my arms as tightly as I could around his midsection, trying to rememorize every part of him. His arms were long and lightly muscled, pressing my body tightly to his chest. I felt every breath he took, and I was definitely taken aback when I realized his breath was catching. I looked up and saw that there were tears spilling out of his chocolate colored eyes.

"Hey, Lyss," He choked out. He was the only man other than my father allowed to call me that. I sniffled in response, loosening my arms around him. We walked together up to my apartment, his left arm around my shoulders and my right arm around his waist. I was fully aware of what the neighbors would think, but I couldn't have cared less.

Matt spent most of the night asking me how I'd been and what I'd be up to since I'd basically disappeared. I didn't really want to spend all of our time talking about me, but I didn't know what to ask him. I knew he'd been with Josh for the most part, and I did not want to hear about Josh right now. We were lying side by side on my bed when I finally had to ask.

"So, how goes it being in a band?" I asked, trying to remain calm. I knew the subject of Josh would have to come up eventually. I figured I may as well get it over with.

"It actually sucks. Like it's cool that we're finally living the dream, but until we start making more money I have no clue what we're going to do," He answered, running his fingers through his messy brown hair and rubbing his eyes. I looked over at my clock and saw it was almost midnight.

"You tired?" I asked, forgetting that normal people sleep at night. Side effect of insomnia, you forget that your friends actually sleep.

"Yeah, but I'd rather stay up with you. I should really call one of the guys though, let them know that I won't be back tonight," He pulled a phone out of his back pocket as he spoke, sitting up. He dialed a number and walked out of my room, closing the door behind him. Typical Matt, already at home wherever he was. I sighed and remembered the first time I'd met Matt.

_It was the first day of Grade 9, and I was definitely about to be one of the outsiders. I didn't blend in well with my naturally light brown hair bleached and died half bright purple. A tall, messy-haired brunette boy kept catching my eye during my first two classes, Algebra and Choir. I was immediately intrigued by the fact that there was a guy in my Choir, but oh well. He was kind of cute, and weirder people could be looking at me._

_After Choir on the second day of school, the tall-ish guy came up to me and smiled a goofy smile. He was cute in an awkward way._

"_Hi, I'm Matt. You're Elyssa, right? Sorry, I just pay attention during attendance. Do you have study hall right now? Because I do and you seem cool," He stuck out his hand, as if to shake mine. I started laughing and took his hand in mine._

"_As your luck would have it, I do have study hall right now. Shall we?" I held my arm out in a gesture that suggested he should take it and lead the way. When he took it, I realized what an odd pair we must be to those looking at us. Me, wearing black skinny jeans and a tank top under a plaid long-sleeve shirt with long brown and purple hair and bangs that fell in front of my glasses-covered eyes. Him, with his popular-kid look, name brand tee and khaki cargo shorts._

_From that day on, we became best friends. My mom was a little freaked out the first time my "best friend" came over and he wasn't a girl. We became close fast, and I quickly found out why Matt wasn't really in with the popular kids. He was a Choir kid, like me. He played piano and guitar, and his voice was actually really sweet. He was also the most awkward and weird person I'd ever met, with the exception of myself._

I was sitting up with my arms wrapped around my knees when I heard Matt talking through the door.

"No, man. Don't worry about it. I'm just gonna stay with her for the night. No, not like that you perverted old man! Just do me a favor, and don't tell Josh. Because he'd freak out! You know as well as I do how much this would kill him. He's been moping over her for years. What do you mean he called her? She didn't even say anything… I gotta go. I'll call you again in the morning. Just make something up to tell Josh," I heard him snap his phone shut before his footsteps came back down the hall. I was still processing what I had just heard.

He was moping over me? For years? I suddenly felt terrible. Yes, Josh and I had ended on a terrible note, but I couldn't be blamed for that. I couldn't be involved with what he was into. I still remembered the day I found out crystal clear, the day which felt like the beginning of the end.

_Josh and I had been together for a year as of a few days ago, and I was perfectly content with our relationship. We made time for each other, had regular date nights, and rarely fought. We had out little spats, but we were just in love. I was walking from my house to the park, going to sit in our little place in the grassy field. We'd stayed up late on the phone last night, and he'd told me to meet him here as soon as I could. We both had insomnia and ran on pretty similar sleep schedules, so I hadn't really bothered to call him when I'd woken up. I kicked a few chunks of dead grass away before sitting down, not really minding that I'd have to wait a little while for him to come around. I laid back in the grass and let my mind wander._

_After around fifteen minutes I heard familiar footsteps coming my way. I smiled, but left my eyes closed._

"_Hey baby," Josh's voice came from my left as he sat beside me. He took my hand into both of his and spread my fingers across his palm, absentmindedly playing with my hand. I sat up and kissed him on the cheek. A slight blush came to his pale skin, and I smirked and giggled._

"_You're still going to blush over cheek kisses after a few nights ago?" I asked playfully, grabbing his calloused fingers with my equally rough digits and twining our fingers together. This caused a slight blush in my own cheeks, and he went scarlet. We weren't exactly normal teenagers on the sexual front. We'd waited until we'd been together an entire year, and even then been nervous. But it felt right. Josh was a very self-conscious person, but so was I. We both had a past of self-harm, and I had some brutal scars to show for it. His weren't quite as bad, but we both still had our reservations. As I was still pondering this, he dropped my hand and took my cheek in his palm, kissing me softly._

_We kissed for a while, and it was a little different than what our kisses had been at the start of our relationship. He'd gotten a shiny silver tongue piercing a few months ago, and I was unendingly intrigued by it. It definitely made making out more fun. We stopped when we noticed we weren't the only people around, settling for just holding hands. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking, and I noticed Josh seemed a little distracted and out of it. His arm was around my shoulders and I was leaning against him when I finally said something about it._

"_Josh, are you okay? You just seem sort of… out of it today," I asked, pulling away a little and looking into his eyes. His stormy eyes only met mine for a few seconds before he looked away, and his expression almost seemed ashamed._

"_You love me, right?" He asked, and I felt his palm get sweaty. The question struck me as odd._

"_Josh, you're scaring me," I answered, pulling my hand away. I tugged at my hair, a nervous habit of mine. He still wouldn't meet my eyes._

"_Just, tell me you love me. But don't lie," He stood up, turning away from me. I stood, putting a hand on his side. I wished I could see his face, but he towered over me and I couldn't see him through his hair._

"_I love you, and I'm not a liar. Baby, what's wrong?" I asked, my voice low. I dropped my hand when he didn't respond after a few seconds. "Do you want to go home? Do you want to be alone? Just talk to me, please," My voice caught at the end of my sentence. I was afraid. Josh was always so open, what was going on?_

"_I did something really stupid. Like, really really stupid. I need to know that you'll forgive me and still love me, no matter what happens," Josh finally spoke, turning to face me. He took my hand into both of his, and I noticed his eyes were red. He was on the verge of tears._

"_No matter what happens. You're the dearest thing in the world to me. Please, I'll forgive you and love you," I said quickly, stumbling with my words. Eloquence was not my gift._

"_I was at this shady party the night before last. I wanted to leave as soon as I got there, but you were sick and I was bored of sitting at home. Everyone else was doing it…" His hands had started shaking. I was so afraid. Looking back on that moment, I would remember never feeling more scared than I had right then. The fear wasn't even for me; it was for whatever had happened to Josh. "Elyssa, they talked me into smoking heroin. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm just scared. I loved it," He finally met my eyes. I couldn't breathe. Everyone else had left the park, and darkness had fallen. My hand dropped to my side._

"_What… Josh. What do you mean? __**They **__talked you into it? You couldn't just say no and leave? Oh my God, why? Do you have any idea how horrible this is for you? Why? Why?" My voice hadn't risen, but I could feel my throat choking up. I was going to cry, that much I knew for sure. But what was happening? I started shaking; I was so afraid and angry. Angry at Josh for doing it, angry at myself for not stopping it somehow, and afraid. So, so afraid of losing him._

_I suddenly threw my arms around his neck, holding him tightly. I had to stand on the very tips of my toes to reach, and I buried my face in his neck. I didn't cry, but I shook. He held me tightly against his body, and I felt his chest rise and fall erratically. He stroked my back and I felt him bury his face into my hair. We stood like that for a while, not speaking._

"_Please don't leave me. I'm just trying to keep it together. I know I could do worse, and you could do so much better," He whispered into my hair. He knew how anti-drugs and drinking I was. Half of my family was either drug addicts or alcoholics, and I was terrified of that happening to me or someone else I loved. I looked up at him, surprised._

"_I'm not going to leave you. Never."_

Matt came into my room and sat back beside me.

"Sorry, had to check in with my babysitters," He rolled his eyes and smirked. "What're you thinking about?"

I let go of my hair, realizing I had been tugging on the ends. I stretched out and lay down on my bed, taking up as much of it as I could. I started laughing as Matt poked and pushed me, trying to get his own half back.

"Bed hog!" He screeched as I used my foot to push him off of the bed. He sat up and I laughed even harder, clutching at my sides. His hair was an absolute mess as he climbed back onto the bed, stretching out beside me. "I know you're dying to ask, but I don't want to hurt you. Just ask," He said, his voice suddenly soft.

"How is he?" I asked. There was so much I wanted to know, but I figured I'd better start off slow. I watched Matt as he rubbed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair.

"At first it was terrible. He looked like a sick and lost puppy. He loved… or loves… I don't know, Elyssa. He never said your name again. He doesn't know I'm with you. I know he called you last night. I'm assuming you didn't answer," I shook my head.

"No, he left me a voicemail, but he called on a blocked number. I wouldn't have called back anyway. He wasn't the only one who got hurt when I left," I said, tears threatening to fall. I sat up, wrapping my arms around my knees and pulling them to my chest. I closed my eyes when I felt Matt sit up beside me, wrapping his arms around me.

"I was determined to be mad at you for leaving, but I can't do it. You just… You didn't only hurt yourself and Josh when you left. Did you even think about what that did to me? You guys were my best friends. You took off, and Josh was as good as gone for a long time. He's a little over two years clean now," Matt said, giving me a squeeze. I couldn't help it; I started sobbing like a baby. He kept his arms around me, even though I should have been the one apologizing to him. When I caught my breath and calmed down, I turned my head to face him.

"I thought about you every day. I missed you so much. You were my best friend," I said, wiping my eyes and thanking God for waterproof eyeliner.

"Past tense? I'm a little offended that I've been replaced!" Matt said, smirking and tickling my side again. I laughed a little, wrapping my arms around him.

"Okay, present tense. I could never replace you," Letting Matt back in shouldn't have been so easy, but there had never been anything bad between us to begin with. "But honestly. What's going on with you and Josh? I want a full out update."

"Well, we pulled in a drummer and a bassist and started a band as soon as Josh got out of rehab. We've got an album and we're gonna be big someday. It kind of sucks sometimes, but we have fun with it most of the time. Mike and Ian are really cool, I think you'd like them," He looked back at me, and I raised an eyebrow. He knew I hadn't meant the band. "Our personal lives haven't been really exciting. I've had a couple of girlfriends, but nothing lasted. Josh hasn't been with anyone else. You leaving really killed us both. We got a lot closer, and I tried to move on. He didn't. He's still beat up about it. He knows it was his fault and he pushed you away, but I can't tell you how many times he said he wished he could take it back." I sighed, my shoulders slumping.

We spent the rest of the night talking until Matt literally passed out mid-sentence. I snuck his phone out of his pocket, leaving him on my bed and walking to my bathroom. I sat on the floor, my back against the door, and went through his contacts until I found who I was looking for. I knew he'd be awake, insomnia is a pain in the ass. As soon as I pressed send, I started to regret it. It rang a few times before he answered.

"Matt, what the hell are you doing awake right now?" His voice hadn't changed a bit. He sounded wide awake, maybe a little worried. After a few seconds he spoke again. "Matt? Hello? I can't hear you if you're talking right now."

"This isn't Matt," I whispered, just loud enough to be heard. I heard his breath catch over the phone.

"Does he know you have his phone?" He must have recognized my voice, after almost 3 years of not hearing it.

"No. He fell asleep at my place and I stole it. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sorry. You can just… hang up if you want to," I cringed at the thought of him hanging up on me. How hurt I'd be.

"I'll never hang up on you. You have no clue how long I've been waiting for this call."

_After that day, I tried to help Josh. As it turned out, he'd been hiding the addiction from me for a while and he didn't plan on stopping._

"_Josh! You can't keep doing this!" I shouted, stomping across his room. He was leaning against the wall, his eyes on the floor. I'd found his stash in the bedside table. "You said you'd quit months ago! I can't stay with you if it's going to be like this. You can either quit and get help, or I'm done. I love you so much, but I just can't do this!" I stood in front of his bedroom door, one hand on the handle. "Give me one good reason to stay."_

"_I love you," He replied, and I heard his voice crack. His hands were shaking. I felt so crushed with guilt. I might be a bad person for this, but there was only so much I could handle. I'd already started cutting again._

"_I love you too. So much, and I can't stand seeing you hurt yourself. Please, baby, get help. I'll take you. Please," My voice was just above a whisper. He walked over to my and put his hand on mine, taking it off of the doorknob. He turned my arm over and saw the new cuts. He pulled my sleeve back down over them._

"_You relapsed?" His green-blue eyes met my golden ones._

"_A few weeks ago. Those are the newest and they're the only ones on my arms," I pulled my hand out of his, suddenly ashamed._

"_I should have noticed. Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, looking down at me. I realized how close we were rather suddenly._

"_We both have bigger things to worry about. I'm not worried about a few scratches when you're doing something far more concerning," I murmured, crossing my arms. I hadn't planned on him finding out, but I knew he eventually would._

"_I love you so much. Don't hurt yourself," He said, nervously opening his arms to me. I tucked myself into his chest, letting his arms wrap around me. I wrapped my arms around his waist, breathing in his familiar cigarette and cologne scent. "But you know it's not gonna be easy for me. I can't just quit."_

_I suddenly shoved him away from my, disgusted. "No, this is bullshit. I give up! You won't get help, what am I supposed to do?" I almost screamed. I tore the door open, turning around. His hand was suddenly on my arm, and I cringed. I spat out the last words I would ever say to him._

"_Josh, you'll never love me as much as you love that drug! I can't take this anymore! It's over, get away from me!"_

Josh and I just sort of sat on the phone in silence. I only knew he hadn't hung up because I could hear his breathing.

"Tell Matt to bring you to the show tomorrow. You should see him perform, he gets so happy. Like, remember when his mom got him a car? That face? He makes it on stage all the time, that goofy ass smile," Josh said finally, a smile in his voice at the memory. I remembered the day well, because we'd taken that car to hell and back that spring break.

I laugh a little before speaking. "Yeah, okay. I'll tell him you said I had to go. I should go give him his phone back and kick him out of my bed if I ever want to get it back though. I'll see you tomorrow?" I said, biting my lip. I was ungodly nervous. It had been a really, really long day.

"Yeah, okay. I'll see you around. Goodnight Elyssa," He said quietly.

"Night, Josh," I said, hanging up. I walked back to my room slowly. When I softly pushed the door open, I saw Matt was still out like a light. His mouth was hanging open slightly and he had grabbed one of my pillows and was hugging it to his chest. I smiled and carefully stuck his phone back into his pocket without waking him up. I went to the bathroom, showering and changing my clothes. I turned off my light and crawled into my bed under the blankets beside Matt. I fell asleep quickly; the sound of Matt's breathing relaxed me.

I woke the next morning to Matt grabbing my shoulders and shaking me.

"You, madam, have a lot of explaining to do. Such as why I have a 10 minute phone call to Josh on my phone that I never remember making, and why you get all of the blankets," He was trying to be angry at me, but he couldn't do it and we both knew it.

"Well, he said you should take me to the show tonight. When do you have to be there?" I asked, sitting up and stretching. I realized I probably looked like shit, but I didn't care. With Matt, it was like no time had passed. He was still the weird brother to me. He sighed and pulled me out of my bed, scooping me up bridal-style and carrying me out to my kitchen. I was laughing the whole time. He dropped me in the kitchen, directly in front of the counter.

"Now, tell me one thing. Why do you not own a coffee maker?" Matt demanded, crossing his arms. I shrugged.

"I live like 10 seconds away from Starbucks. Who needs a coffee maker?" I said, turning away and heading towards my bedroom. "Give me like 10 minutes and I'll drive us. Then we'll go find the rest of your band and you can sneak me backstage."

"Demanding little thing…" I heard Matt huff, wandering into my small second bathroom.

I quickly brushed my hair and teeth, pulling on a tee shirt and zip-front black hoodie. I stepped into comfortable jeans and tugged on mismatched socks before walking back to the kitchen. Matt was already in front of the door, pulling on his shoes. I grabbed my beat-up purple converse, shoving my feet into them. We talk more as we walk out to my car, and I can tell Matt is worried about what's going to happen when Josh and I see each other again.

"Matt, I seriously don't know what you're so worried about. I'm just going to hide out until the show is over, he won't even see me until you're done," I say, starting up the car. As soon as the car starts, Fix Me picks up playing wherever it left off last night.

"_All my faces are alibis, and I'm half the man I wanted to be."_

I blushed a little, turning it down. Matt gave me a look, but didn't say anything about my choice in music. We got our coffee, and the rest of our day before we headed to the venue was spent avoiding the topic that was leaving my stomach in knots.

"You sure you're okay?" Matt asked as we pulled up beside his car. My hands had started shaking slightly.

"Is he really different?" I ask, biting my lip. This was what had bothered me all day. I was afraid of so many things. "What if he hates me? What if he doesn't want to see me? What if he just doesn't want me anymore? Matt, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I still love him," I said, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible. Matt grabbed my hand.

"He still loves you. He obviously wants you, or he wouldn't have told you to come. The only thing that's changed is that he got tattoos. He did some growing up, but we all did that. I promise, it'll be okay," He smiled his goofy ass smile at me, and I couldn't not smile back. We got into his car and drove off, parking a block away from the venue. I paused as I stepped out of the car, looking off at a tall, black-haired figure by the door of the small club they were playing tonight. Matt saw me looking, and grabbed my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

We walked towards the building that Josh had disappeared into, and Matt led me inside. I didn't see Josh anywhere, but that was to my benefit. I didn't want to see him until after the show. I followed Matt back to the stage, where a guy with brown curly hair was holding a bass.

"Hey Mike. This is the girl I told you about last night," Matt said, nodding towards me. I blushed a little, but smiled at the new guy.

"Elyssa," I said, holding out my hand. He shook it, giving me a warm smile.

"I feel like I already know you, Matt never stops talking about how much he misses you and Josh never stops writing songs about you," He said, earning himself a death glare from Matt. I laughed, not sure if I should be embarrassed for myself, Matt, Josh, or all three of us.

I spent the remainder of the time before the show sitting on the edge of the stage, until I heard Josh's laugh from backstage. I leapt off of the stage, hiding on the other side of the barricade. I sat so that no one on the stage would be able to see me. I was slightly embarrassed by my actions, but I didn't regret them. I heard walking on the stage behind me, and I knew it was Josh as soon as he grabbed a mic. I stayed in my place throughout soundcheck.

I couldn't deny it, they were really good. I noticed more people coming in and figured I'd better stand up and not risk getting trampled. I stood slowly, peeking up over the barricade. They'd left the stage; I took a sigh of relief. Matt's guitar was on my left, so I stood between the center and the left side of the stage. I wanted to be able to see him clearly. I was surprised when the little club filled up, people cramming together and pushing me against the barricade. It wasn't long before the lights went down and they took the stage.

My breath caught in my chest. Josh looked so different. I couldn't tear my eyes away from him for the first few songs. He'd gained a little weight, which was good. The last time I'd seen him he'd been almost grossly skinny. I could see a tattoo on his arm, which looked like two bands around his forearm. He wore a ring on his right ring finger and a bracelet. I finally stopped staring when he started glancing in my direction of the crowd.

When my eyes caught Matt, I started smiling. He looked down at me and winked, smiling his huge smile. He looked so happy, it made me happy. He sang in a few parts, and he had gotten better over the years. The crowd loved it, and I couldn't help but enjoy myself. As they played the last song began, Josh grabbed an acoustic guitar and sat on a stool. He gave a small speech before playing, and I cried through the whole song.

"_I lock the door_

_Turn all the water on_

_And bury that sound_

_So no one hears anything anymore_

_Mirrors lie to me, tell me you can see_

_Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now_

_I know you can feel all the things you steal_

_And you're taking, you're taking it"_

The song brought a change the mood of the crowd, and as the song ended I saw a tear fall from Josh's eye. Then he looked up and saw me. Our eyes locked for a few seconds. I then spun around and walked away, pushing my way through the crowd to the back of the room. As the set ended, the place cleared out, with a few people sticking around for pictures and autographs. I spotted Matt sitting alone on the edge of the stage, so I walked over to him.

"Hey, you guys were really amazing," I said, hopping up next to him. I smiled and faced him, but his eyes were behind me and over my head. I turned, and my body froze. Josh was standing over me.

"Thanks," Josh said quietly, sitting beside me. Suddenly I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. And Matt was standing up. I shot him a death glare that clearly stated that I was going to die because he was walking away. He shrugged and winked at me. I was going to stab him with a rusty spoon the next time we were alone together.

Josh and I sat side by side for a while, not saying anything. By this point, the place was empty. I heard shuffling behind us and assumed the guys were packing up, getting ready to move on to the next city. I knew they'd only be here for a few days, but suddenly it didn't feel like enough. Not enough time to reconnect with Matt, not enough time to get to know Josh again. Just not enough. I bit my lip, choking up a little.

"I'm sorry," Josh whispered softly. He held out his hand, and I took it into mine.

"Why are you sorry? I'm the one that took off, I should have stayed. I should have helped you," I said, looking up at him.

"It's my fault that you left. I pushed you away. I loved you so much, I still do love you. I never stopped regretting what I did, and all I want is you back in my life. All you wanted to do was help me, and I pushed you over the edge. I'll never blame you for that," Josh said, keeping his eyes locked on mine. He pushed my bangs out of my eyes with the hand that wasn't holding mine.

"I still love you," I said softly, leaning towards him. Our lips met, and my heart exploded. This is what I'd needed for these years. I'd spent all of this time missing him, trying not to think about him. But this is where we both belonged and we knew it.

"JOSH, STOP MAKING OUT WITH YOUR WOMAN AND HELP ME!" A guy, who I assumed must be Ian the drummer, killed our moment.

Josh pulled away, smiling a little. "SHE ISN'T MY WOMAN! Yet?" He asked, taking my hand in both of his.

"Just promise me that nothing like that will happen again. I want to get to know each other again. Let's just try it again," I said, smiling. He stood up and pulled me up beside him, pecking me on the cheek before letting go of my hand.

"Does this mean you have to come with us now? I really don't want the van to start smelling like girl," Matt snuck up behind me, giving me a hug and teasing me. He was laughing, and so was I.

This was how everything should have been from the very start. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I was willing to try as hard as I could.


End file.
